Such Great Heights..

it sucks not knowing where you stand. not only do you not know what you are allowed and not allowed to do, you can't even ask! because that just makes things awkward. for both parties. unless you have guts and self respect, you most likely will never ask. you just let the pieces fall where they may and try to read the signs (which of course are always hazy). you're called 'babe' one minute and 'dude' the next. are you allowed to go out with friends of the opposite sex without telling them first? how many times a day should you converse? how come no one has the decency to ask someone to be their girlfriend or boyfriend? that's how they use to do it right? little notes that say: will you be my gf? check yes or no. i want one of those. sooo bad. it's romantic in a weird sort of way. i bet one day, people are gonna stop getting married, just because you can sleep with someone and have kids and not ever have to give anything to commitment. that's the type of people we've become. i don't know how we've lied to ourselves so much into thinking that this type of living was okay, that it is NORMAL> im gagging. such ignorance. yet, despite the few outcries of disapproval, we all continue to participate. no one wants to be alone, and no matter how old you are, you're now "sick and tired of living life alone." i've felt that way time to time. it's one of the worst feelings. except for the fact that im only 18. however, being such an age makes everything in life feel like the end of the world. i'd love to skip this mindset. but it's a weird hardwiring that we all have built in. someday i'll know why. i don't want to be alone, and i've never been like most kids my age who want to party and go to college and have some sort of dream job and lots of cash! i want some kids. a house maybe. a soulmate. i don't care if i ever have money. i don't want to test drive a billion men before i can find the right one. my life story is too short to fill with crappy chapters that no one will want to read and i'll regret writing. i know what i want. i know what's important. but, God has me alone right now for a reason and i guess i just have to suck that up. the more alone i am, the quieter it is, and the easier it becomes to hear his reply to my questions..